I have a confession to make.
I’ve never peed outside. (well, at least not until a few weeks ago)
[pausing for shaking heads and most likely eye-rolls]
I didn’t call myself the “Indoorsy Camper” because I like roughin’ it. I dubbed myself the “Indoorsy Camper” because I like to cook lamb tagine (recipe from Melissa Clark….you need to make it!) in my Instant Pot and bring the leftovers on my camping trip where I snuggle up in my cozy sleeping bag and read all the books.
My current read is Wild by Cheryl Strayed, which I’m sure everyone else on the planet has already read. I’m one of those people who will sometimes jump on the bandwagon (i.e. avocado toast) and other times hold off while the rest of the world basks in the glories of Harry Potter. Don’t worry I rectified that a long time ago, and truth be told I watch the movies WAY too often.
If Wild has done one thing for me it’s completely freaked me out! Cheryl has managed to describe in detail all of the many things my neurotic mind fixates on while I’m trying to go to sleep.
- Rattle snakes
- Using a shovel called “U-Dig-It” to drop a deuce outside
- Toe nails turning black and falling off
- Needing to learn how to use an ice axe
- Using an ice axe
- Jamming a sponge up your lady bits….then pulling it out, squeezing it and reinstalling (Too much detail? Yea, it was for me too!)
- Watching my hiking boot fall off the edge of a mountain….I didn’t even have that fear until this book!
Needless to say, I’m enjoying the book….but I’m conflicted.
The whole peeing outside thing came up earlier in the week and Catherine (my wife) advised me to practice….in the shower. WHICH I DID NOT DO.
For the record, I side with Jerry and Elaine.
In my freaked out state I started looking into purchasing a Go Girl. Which if you didn’t know is basically a piece of plastic that funnels your pee so you can do it standing up….like a man…..if a man had a funnel he held to pee and then had to figure out what to do with the urine soaked funnel after he was done. So that solution was out.
This conversation happened early in the week, so I, of course, decided to not think about this issue anymore. When in doubt do nothing and wait for the problem to arise naturally.
I’ve never gone backpacking or even on a hike that was long enough to require an al fresco pit stop…..until recently. Since the weather here in SoCal was surprisingly mild we decided to go big with our hike and head for the Bridge to Nowhere (yes, that’s an actual place). I’ll talk more about the actual hike itself later, but for now, let’s stay focused on the wizz. The time of nature calling.
We hiked 5 or so miles to the bridge. It was amazing and gorgeous and everything I hoped it would be. Then we had to head the 5 miles back….and my water reservoir was surprisingly low. Catherine (being the outdoorsy one in this duo) proclaimed that she needed a wee stop. We walked a little ways away from the bridge and found a more secluded spot by some rocks.
Down she went and before I knew what was happening she was done. DONE. Seconds. It took seconds! A fast resolution to nature calling.
Between the sound of the water flowing under the bridge, my receding reservoir and actual peeing happening near me I started to feel a little urge to go to the bathroom.
Was this going to happen? Could I pee in the great outdoors?
Turns out I can.
And I did.
So this explanation is for all the indoorsy hikers out there who are afraid to pee outside (which to be clear, I’m still scared of doing it)…with nature calling.
How to pee outside like a champ
- Find a secluded spot. It’s no fun being interrupted by a fellow hiker while you’re mid-stream. Look at the surrounding foliage (don’t want any pokies coming at you or heaven forbid a poison ivy leaf), make sure you have enough room to get down, and if it’s windy plan accordingly.
- Designate a lookout. This isn’t always possible, but if you’re hiking with friends why not recruit them to help.
- Get low. The lower down you can squat the better, we want to avoid the dreaded splash-back (nobody wants their own urine to splash all over their clothing). Now, pull down those pants and bring all the fabric towards the front of your body. This will prevent that splash-back problem and as an added bonus acts as a privacy screen.
- Go. You’re in your spot, your lookout is in place, your squatting like a champ so get it over with. I recognize this might not be easy…I know I had a moment of bashful bladder, but I forged ahead. You can too.
- Regroup. Pull up your britches and start your celebratory “I Peed in the Wilderness!!!!!” dance! You have overcome nature calling!
And there you have it. It’s done. I did it. And so can you.