What if I’m out exploring, I get super gross, and I can’t shower? It’s embarrassing to be stinky!
Someone whose personal hygiene is at stake
Dear Stinky Pants,
Well, we have a few options:
- Get comfortable with your primal lack of hygiene. – While it might take some intense mental effort, you could always shift your view of hygiene and modern conveniences like “running water” and “shampoo” and “avoiding cholera.” Hell, our caveman ancestors didn’t have any volume-enhancing, extra hydrating, silk-essenced, two-in-one body lather and hair cleanser, did they?
- Attempt to bathe with a combination of three ounces of water, a Nalgene bottle, and the corner of a bandana. – Don’t act like you haven’t tried this already. You have, and you determined it is a waste of good drinking water.
- Epic Wipes.
What are Epic Wipes, you ask? Think of a giant version of moist towelettes. And when I say “giant,” I mean they are sixteen times the size of an average wipe and far more durable.
Epic Wipes come folded in a tiny, totable pouch, so you easily can take them with you anywhere. They sent me two sizes, large and extra large, to review; I tossed one of each into my backpack and didn’t notice any extra weight. I also had to take off my backpack to futz around inside to find them, but chalk that up to my own lack of pack organization. Anyway, you can throw them dang near anywhere.
Epic Wipes’ founder, a former doctor with the US Army, thought up these wipes while deployed in Afghanistan. He figured people who carry 75 pounds of equipment on their person, through extreme weather conditions, in heavy boots, wearing a helmet might want to spruce up a little, ya know? I’ll just cut to the chase here: Kudos on your five mile hike to a manicured campsite, and like, I’m pretty sure these wipes can withstand the cleanup afterward.
(Sidebar: Really, a five mile hike is great! I hike five miles! That quip didn’t come from personal experience at all! Manicured campsites are nice because you don’t have to remove poison oak from where you’re about to sleep! Not that I ever did that.)
Here’s another cool thing: They’re not just for people. Pets love ‘em, too!
I tested out Epic Wipes after a modest hike. It was warm enough that I felt rather gross afterward, and these worked nearly as well as a shower! I smelled normal afterward. I was pleased with the size and texture of the wipe, and the fact that it was so large but so lightweight. It was well saturated, too, unlike those half-dried-up wipes you sometimes find. I was stoked to see that you can get a large pack of these online for a really reasonable price, and I plan to order a box for my at-home emergency kit.
Let’s load up the pros and cons, shall we?
- The smell. Now this might not be a drawback for you, but it was slightly off-putting for me. Epic Wipes are infused with eucalyptus oil, which has excellent germ-fighting qualities. It also just happens to smell like cough drops and the mentholated ointment my grandmother rubbed on my chest as a child. (Note: In my early social worker days, I dabbed that ointment under my nostrils before I met with homeless clients in their camps. It blotted out any terrible odors associated with living outdoors 24/7 and if you use just a small amount, it’s invisible.) I know of plenty of people who find the scent of eucalyptus invigorating and refreshing, and so, well, you won’t have any issues with this particular “drawback.” It’s also worth noting that the fragrance evaporates from the skin, in my experience.
- The size. These things are huge! The company sent me both the large and extra large wipes, and let me tell you – those XL bad boys were the size of my bath towel. I was only moderately dirty when I tried them out, and the large size was beyond adequate for thoroughly demolishing any post-hike dirt, grime, and sweat. Larger bodies or folks caked in mud might prefer to start with an XL wipe.
- The durability. Imagine a baby wipe folded on itself a couple times. That’s the thickness of an Epic Wipe. It does not tear apart unless you really throw your back into doing so (and why would you?). The material is more fabric-like than paper-like, which means you don’t have to worry about scrubbing too hard. It won’t fall apart. Despite the material’s strength, it’s still biodegradable, so you don’t have to worry about clogging up landfills with it once it gets mucky.
- No weird ingredients. The bulk of Epic Wipes’ ingredients are essential oils, sugar, water, and bamboo. There’s a few food-grade preservatives but nothing too chemical. I dig that. I dig that I can kill germs without also, ya know, becoming radioactive.
- Support others. For every product sold, Epic Wipes donates their product to those who really could use ‘em: natural disaster survivors, deployed military, and the homeless. When you make a purchase, you get to choose who receives the freebie.
Final verdict: Get them.
If you’d like to check out Epic Wipes’ line of products, head over to their website. You can check out uses for the product, read their blog, and view a video of a pixelated, nude man using an Epic Wipe. What could be more fun?
See you again soon,